Moments in Time

OK, so I am WAY behind in updating my blog. For those who know me, this is not a new thing! :sigh: I just came home from a volunteer meeting at Alison's school. These women are SO organized! Some of them stay home, but some do not. And they still have their act together! It makes me feel so Charlie Brown-ish. Good grief!

Anyway, the kids are doing well. Jess made the A honor roll again this quarter. She won a math award at school in April. Clothes are becoming more and more of an interest. So far, boys are not. (Whew! But I know that will change soon! All her friends are starting to get crushes) Ali has been doing much better in school, with an occasional setback. (That's Ali. Has to keep me on my toes. Can't let me get complacent or anything like that!)

Sometimes I worry that Ali will always live in the shadow of her big sister. Jess gets all A's. We're happy if Alison doesn't get any bad grades or comments on her report card. When Jess was in first grade, she won the role of one of the 3 little pigs in the annual 1st grade play. This year, Ali was in the chorus (with all the other kids who didn't get specific roles). It doesn't seem to bother Ali. Still *I* worry. I guess that comes with being the mom!

We are still a dogless house. I miss Tasha, still. We recently fostered a dog, Bailey. DH and the kids were ready to keep her but my heart was just not ready. It was pretty awkward. Sometimes I worry that I'll never be willing to put my heart on the line again, but I'm starting to feel ready to consider another dog. I keep checking out Honey at the humane society: http://tinyurl.com/o4a3h Everytime I look at the photo of her on the couch, her eyes remind me Tasha. It's like Tash is looking at me.

Well, that's it for now. The next update will not be so long in coming!

Lisa

It's one of the mysteries of life... how did it wind up being Sunday night again so soon? :sigh: One busy week over, another busy week staring me in the face.

Another mystery these days is why I still expect - for just a split second - that Tasha will be there to greet me every time I walk into the house. I guess that it's a conditioned response, as Pavlov would say.

Thursday evening I was driving to my genealogy class when I saw several dogs outside in the neighborhood. An owner was sitting on his front porch watching his dog. For a split second, I could imagine what that warm, furry face would feel like in my hands and I wanted a new dog so badly. Then at night I was overwhelmed by guilt. I felt so bad! Tasha hasn't even been gone two weeks and here I was wanting a replacement. It's probably not so much that I miss having *a* dog as I miss having *my* dog. I did promise the girls we'd foster dogs again once the weather warms up and we're all feeling a bit more "normal".

After several good weeks at school, Ali had a bad day last Tuesday. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't tried to hard to cover it up. ;-) I'm hoping that she's back on track this week. Her "goal" for the week is to have a friend spend the night. I also told Jessica that she could invite a friend over to spend the night, so hopefully the thought that her sister's getting to have a friend stay over, too, will motivate Ali to earn her goal this week. Nothing like a little sisterly competition!

I have two new goals of my own. One is to finally get off the dime and lose some weight. Oprah had Bob Greene on her show last week. They talked about the need to live with a little hunger and not snack every time you get a little hungry. That's my downfall and I'm vowing to work on it.

My other goal is to make sure to find some "me time" in my week. This weekend I colored my hair and am looking forward to a very overdue haircut this week. Maybe a new me will help me stick to a diet and exercise plan. I also went to a scrapbook crop today. It was so wonderful to spend an afternoon with other women, working on my scrapbook pages. I don't need therapy - I need more scrapbooking time!

There's an empty place in the corner of my bedroom. There's an empty place on the living room floor. There's an empty place in my heart.

Last weekend I said goodbye to Tash for the last time. On top of the adrenal tumor and the lymphoma and the arthritis, she fell on the deck and injured her right rear leg. She could barely walk. She barely ate. It was time to say goodbye. We had Saturday morning spend time with her, trying to prepare ourselves and letting her know just how much all loved her. The girls said their goodbyes and drew pictures for her which now hang on the wall where her bowls used to be. The vet came to our house, so at least Tasha was in her own home, surrounded by the people who loved her. She deserved that much. Lymphoma was a lousy, cruel ending for a sweet, supremely loved dog.

Putting her down was so much the right thing to do but it was the most emtionally painful decision I have ever had to make. I lost track of how many times I held her face in my hands and told her that I wished she could tell me what she wanted me to do. There were days when it was easy to decide, like when she'd greet me at the door, tail wagging. Most days it was much less clear. I wanted to do what was right for her - it was just so hard to know sometimes what that was. I don't understand how politicians or organizations can decide what constitutes life/quality of life for people they don't even konw. I had Tash for almost 13 years. I loved her and knew her and yet it was so hard for me to say when the joy she derived from her life was outweighed by the discomfort of her age and illness.

A day or so will go by and I'll think I've adjusted to her absence. Then, I'll walk in the door from work and catch the words "Hey, Tash!" about to spill from my lips. Or I'll mistake her for a dark object I catch in the corner of my eye. I can finally make a pan of bacon witnout going to pour it onto her dog food (a favorite treat). It's always the little things that get you.

Even when I'm not mourning for her, there's a hole in my heart. An overreaching emptiness that can't be explained, only felt. Another dog wouldn't fill the void. A pack of dogs wouldn't fill it.

A week ago Saturday, Ali sat on my lap in tears and said "Mommy, without Tash, I'm lonely." Me, too, Ali. Me, too.